The birth I had, not the birth I planned.

Every woman has a different story with each pregnancy and delivery she experiences. This was my experience when I had my first child, a daughter, in fall of 2007.

When my husband and I realized we were pregnant my general physician referred me to an OB/GYN that came highly recommended. I was very happy with the majority of the doctors I saw during my nine month introduction to this particular practice and enjoyed each appointment with my primary doctor as he helped me understand what was normal and what was not about having a baby. He was always happy to answer any question, no matter how strange.

My baby was a week late and my doctor admitted me to the hospital around 7:00pm and induced labor because my amniotic fluid was getting low after baby's over-stay. After a dose of cervidil and an I.V. of pitocin my birthing plan went out the window. So much for no intervention and drugs. Once the pitocin set in and my contractions started hitting on top of each other at 2:00am, I was given narcotics for the pain so I could sleep.

The following morning my contractions were back and painful. After breaking my water and inserting a catheter to add fluid into my amniotic sac to bouy the baby, the unthinkable occurred. Without enough fluid between me and my baby the pressure of the pitocin induced contractions contributed to a compressing of the cord causing the baby's heart rate to drop. I am told that this happened briefly and she stabilized quickly. But around 7:00am the baby's heart rate decelerated again, much more severely the second time as her heart rate did not quickly come back up.

I myself was unaware of this drop as alarms went off on the entire floor. I was watching the monitor screen for my contractions as a single contraction began to peak for the third time without actually coming down. As I threw up repeatedly and attempted to break the hand of my husband on my right and my father on my left I was unaware of the blaring alarms until the room filled with people.

I was poked, flipped and prodded until the baby's heart rate came back up and my doctor informed me it was time to have a baby. Within seconds I was whisked out of the room and toward the operating room. When we arrived at the operating room everything seemed to slow down. With my baby's heart rate now under control, I was able to take my time climbing from my nice rolling bed onto the operating table. It was a very surreal fifteen minutes or so as I was given a spinal injection to numb my body from the chest down and settled onto the table as the warm feeling from the medicine spread through my lower body to my toes.

As I lay on the table talking to the doctors and nurses I felt completely detached from the situation. I was about to have a baby and I felt as if I were a bystander, not directly involved in any way.

I felt a tickle across my tummy and realized that in my numb state what I was actually feeling was the beginning of my Cesarean section surgery. In that moment I became complete aware of my surroundings and frantically asked for my husband.

He appeared next to me as if by magic, to my great relief, and we looked into each others eyes as if we were both wondering if we were having the same terrifying and surreal dream. We were both excited to find out who we were about to meet, as we had made it nine months without peeking at the sex of this wonderful gift growing inside of me.

A minute later I heard the doctor tell my husband to look and see the baby. My husband stood and peeked over the curtain only to sit down hard and tell me, "It's Lilia" as his eyes misted over. A moment later, or maybe an eternity, I heard the most beautiful sound as our daughter took a large breath and told the whole room what she thought of the cold air outside of mommy's warm tummy.

She was whisked away from me and cleaned up. They handed my husband our daughter and he cradled her in his hands and held her close to me as he whispered, "I'm your Daddy." At which point she peed down the front of his scrubs forever marking him as hers.

Then she and Daddy headed off to the nursery for a bath and weigh in. I remember lying there in that cold room, the doctors telling me what a great job I did. Other than lay really still, I wasn't sure just what I had done even then.

After I was all stitched up I was wheeled on a bed back to my room and covered in warm sheets to help with the chills and shivering post surgery. I had just gone through major surgery, and I would have the scars to prove it, but I would not come to terms with that fact for weeks.

I lay there alone and still in my empty room for what felt like an eternity until, with her grandparents and proud Papa in tow, my daughter was placed in my arms, nearly half an hour old, for the first time.

My dream of her being placed on my chest against my bare skin, of bonding in those first precious moments, was gone but in it's place was the most beautiful little face I had even seen.

My birthing plan did not matter in that moment, my daughter and I were safe and healthy and for that I was and am grateful.

I love my daughter with all my heart, but I forget sometimes that I gave birth to her, that she is truly mine at times, because in fact I didn't give birth to her. That simple, natural, life changing experience was not in the cards for us. I feel as if we would have bonded even more if I had the birth I had planned.

Though I would not change my daughter and I being healthy and safe today because of skilled medical attention, I can't help but wonder, if I had gone with a midwife, if I had been allowed to labor on my own, without intervention, without being induced, would I have had a vaginal birth? Would I have been able to pull my baby onto my chest for the first precious bonding moments together, my skin the first thing she touch after leaving my belly?

I will never know what could have been, but now as we begin looking toward a second child I am more aware of my options this time around. The dangers involved in major surgery, and a c-section is major surgery, only increase each time one is performed. As a woman that wants to have at least three children biologically the risks of repeated cesareans are too great for me and for my children.

As we plan to start trying to our second child I have a different, more informed, game plan in mind. I am already taking prenatal vitamins, I have found a way to have a midwife using my insurance, I plan to take the Bradley method and I have found a hospital where the VBAC rates are high and the c-section rates are low.

As my due date approaches next time around I will be eating spicy food, taking long walks and even perhaps tasting Castor oil for the first time in an effort to not exceed my due date the second time around. Hopefully this, along with good planning, will help me achieve the non-surgical birth that we desire. If not, at least I will know that I did everything I could to have a natural birth experience the second time around.